A Short Guide to Responding Instead of Reacting

It can be so natural to react. If we don't like something we hear. The way something is asked of us. If we feel triggered in some way. We're not robots or mannequins. Often when we react, while it might feel momentarily satisfying, often it can make us feel worse. Here's a short guide on how to respond instead of react.

Notice the autopilot

Most of us react from a place of autopilot, the fast, often unconscious triggers and patterns that drive our behaviour, which are often not our conscious intention. The moment you feel yourself speeding up, perhaps your voice is faltering, thoughts racing, internal heat rising, it's your cue to notice that autopilot is running and so a reaction is much more likely than a response. Try not to judge yourself, we all do it, the aim here is to notice with curiosity that it's going on, rather than judge yourself for it.

Tune in to the body's early signals

Your body nearly always speaks before your mouth does, although often it's so quick, it's hard to catch. The practice is to tune in and name and notice the subtle signals. A quick body scan will help you notice the signs of reactivity showing up in the body:

• Chest tightening
• Jaw clenching
• Temperature rising
• Stomach flipping
• Shoulders lifting
• Palms sweating
• Snap back on the tip of your tongue
• Pulse speeding up

All of them are natural instincts and an invitation to notice what's going on for you in the moment.

Come back to Breath, Feet, Seat

A simple reset:

Breath: one slow inhale, one slower exhale (from your lower abdomen)

Feet: feel them sturdy on the ground

Seat: feel the support beneath you

This anchors your nervous system and brings you back to the here and now, versus whatever has triggered a reaction. You don't need to close your eyes or cross your legs, you can do it live mid meeting/discussion whatever the context, it's like a secret grounding technique to try, eyes open.

Choose curiosity over reaction

Instead of firing back quickly from instinct, try one curious question:

An old boss used to say this all the time, and it instantly made me smile (rather than feel I needed to defend my perspective): "Tell me more…" Or you might try....

• "What's the concern that's sitting underneath this?"
• "What outcome would feel like a win for you?"
• "I hear you, what would good look like here?"

Don't feel the need to answer immediately. Gain clarity, slow the exchange, and give yourself a moment to reflect from a place of clarity. If you need more time to inform your response, say so. "I want to give this some more thought, can I come back to you later today with a proposal."

Reactions are natural, and there are practices we can learn that allow us to respond. My pet-peeve line is someone who says "well, this is just the way I am" [sub-tone: like it or lump it]. To show up as a good version of yourself, and for others around you, takes self-awareness and work. It's a practice, not a place of self-actualisation and perfection. Of course we get it wrong, often, but practising awareness can help move us from rapid reaction to thoughtful response.

Do I react? Of course. Owning it, apologising, rectifying and moving on is just as much of a practice as lessening the reaction.